I guess I could let go

A plan for dealing with uncertainty

I used to think I was good with ambiguity. Flexible and easy to adapt. I saw myself as the type of person who could make sense of the chaos and thrive in situations even when things were unclear.

And maybe that was the case at one time.

Maybe when I was younger and more nimble.

When I only had myself to worry about.

Now I have a whole husband and two whole children to think about and consider. Now, being sure, having certainty about... everything... anything, it is so important.

“What page are we on in the book?”

“Wait, what book are we reading?”

I want it all laid out, like words on a page, chapters in a book. Table of contents me, please. Because, at any point, I’m going to want to flip ahead to the end and know how everything turns out.

But is that realistic? To expect every question to have an answer, or every challenge to have a solution? What if life and these chaotic, unnamed, wild, confusing, life-altering, electric, unbridled, free things, have no answer, no solution? What choices do I make then, if ultimately, ambiguity is ever the only option?

I might have to release myself from knowing what is for sure.

Admit that control is an illusion, and that nothing is certain.

I guess I could let go.